


Barely in the Background

by feministevan



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Developing Friendship, Emotional Talks, First Kiss, Forgiveness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, So I decided to write one, also uggs, and the like, friend dates, i haven't seen a sabrina fic yet and this girl, is the loml
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-24 23:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14964438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feministevan/pseuds/feministevan
Summary: She knew him and Connor weren’t actually friends. As Connor’s best and only friend, she would have known. Therefore, so far all she knew about Evan Hansen was that he’s broke, a liar, hopefully, with good intentions, an anxious mess, and that he had complimented her hair once. Sabrina sighed. Why couldn’t things be easier? She just wanted a friend. Anyone. Maybe even Evan Hansen.(currently working on a rewrite of the first chapter, but chapter two is up as of July 4th!)





	1. Evan

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic so it's probably not great but we're going w it at this point

Sabrina leaned over her desk. She wasn’t snooping, no, she just heard Evan Hansen mumbling to himself. 

“There’s no way she can afford it. Come one, don’t be a burden, she heard him whisper frustratedly. Really, Sabrina just wanted to see what was up. Right. No ulterior motives, she definitely wasn’t lonely, of course. 

Uggs. Evan had pulled up ugg.com and was shaking his head at the prices; 180 dollars, 250 dollars. Who decides this stuff? Ridiculous. 

Sabrina sat back into her seat. 200 dollars. She had that, and really, Hansen’s current boots looked terrible. Probably about 3 years old. He definitely needed some new ones.

She knew him and Connor weren’t actually friends. As Connor’s best and only friend, she would have known. Therefore, so far all she knew about Evan Hansen was that he’s broke, a liar with good intentions, an anxious mess, and that he had complimented her hair once. Sabrina sighed. Why couldn’t things be easier? She just wanted a friend. Anyone. Maybe even Evan Hansen. 

***  
Evan looked at the sidewalk as he walked away from the environmental science building, counting the cracks in the concrete. One, two, three, four,

“Get in, loser! We’re going shopping!”

There is no way that was directed at him. What the fuck. He whirled around to see Sabrina Patel smiling at him from her pink convertible. Who actually owns a pink convertible in college? Apparently, Sabrina Patel. Evan breathed in once, twice. _Come on, Ev. Confidence._ He jogged over to the edge of the walkway to her car. 

“What the fuck, Sabrina. I know we were science partners once, maybe in tenth grade, but I don’t know you. Like, at all.”

“Ok, so referencing Mean Girls doesn’t work. Noted.”

“Hold up, I never said I wasn’t gonna go. Mean Girls is a masterpiece. I was just wondering whether you were planning on murdering me or actually going shopping.”

Sabrina smirked and opened the passenger door. 

“The only thing I plan on murdering is my wallet. You coming?”

Evan typed out a text to his mom. Going to the mall w a friend. B back at about 7:30. 

“I’m probably gonna regret this, but I honestly have nothing better to do, so let’s go.”

Sabrina grinned as she started the engine. 

“I hope you like musicals.”

They ended up singing along to What You Own from Rent blasting at full volume from the speakers. And as the wind was pummeling his face, and he was belting the low harmony and playing air instruments, Evan realized that he felt more alive than he had in days. 

***  
“So, you’re Jewish, right?” 

“Yep.” 

“Hanukkah’s coming up, right?”

“Actually, it starts tonight.”

“Evan! I have to get you a present, come on!”

“Sabrina. You really, really don’t have to.”

Sabrina grabbed Evans arm, pulling him into the Boston Store at the corner of the mall as he protested. 

“Maybe I don’t have to, but I want to. We’re friends now. It’s what friends do.”

Evan led her into a random shoe isle and stood shock still, staring at her with a blank look on his face. After a second he started looking around at the fluorescent lights reflecting on the all-too-shiny floor. Looking anywhere but her eyes.

“Friends. Sabrina, we barely know each other.”

“Exactly! By being friends, we’ll be able to get to know each other and become best friends! That’s how this works.”

“Can I ask you why?”

“Why what?”

“Why you want to be friends with me.”

Sabrina shrugged, and gestured nervously at the racks of shoes surrounding them. 

“Because no one’s ever wanted to do this with me. Because you didn’t think it was lame that I like musicals, in fact, you like them too. Because you didn’t look at me weird when I swatched like, half of the products in Sephora. Because maybe,” she paused, shaking her head. “I know. I know you weren’t actually friends with Connor. You really think I would believe that? I was his best friend, Evan. His best and _only_ friend. I failed him, but you were right. No one deserves to be forgotten. Connor told me he wanted to be friends with you last summer. ‘That Evan kid,’ he said. ‘He looks alone. If I could just.. be ok. Maybe I could be friends with him. Maybe it would help both of us. But I’m not ok. So I can’t. Because I’m not going to get better.’”

She wiped aggressively at her eyes. 

“I should have noticed the warning signs. I should have helped him more. I tried, Evan, I really tried. I know... I know us being friends is what he would have wanted. And honestly, from what I’ve seen of you, It’s what I want, too. Oh. Also, just so you know, I forgive you.

Evan smiled weakly, reaching out and wiping a tear off of Sabrina’s cheek. If there was one thing he had leaned from senior year, it was that you shouldn't push good people away just because you're afraid of eventual rejection. 

"Ok, Sabrina. Friends. We can try that." 

Sabrina squeezed his arm gently. Suddenly, her eyes widened as she pointed to a pair of white sparkly uggs on the nearest shelf. 

"Evan, those are perfect." 

They laughed all the way to the cash register.


	2. Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I’d just like to let you know that I’m rewriting chapter one because I’m not happy with how it turned out, but meanwhile, have this! This story isn’t linear, it’s simply about the different interactions and relationships Sabrina has with all the different characters. This time, it’s Connor’s turn.

Sabrina jolted awake as her phone buzzed loudly against the wood of her nightstand. Drearily, she reached over and fumbled for the phone, frowning when she saw the lit-up screen. 

_meet me @ orchard in 15_

Sabrina groaned, but rolled out of bed. It would have been time to get up soon, anyways. 

_connor it’s 6 am wtf_

_we need to talk_  
please  
sorry for waking u up

She rubbed at her eyes in frustration. Couldn’t this wait till school? Sabrina sighed, and went outside to her car, leaving a note for her mom on the kitchen table on the way. 

When Sabrina arrived at the orchard, she jogged over to her and Connor’s hangout spot. She found him sitting against a tree, pulling at strings in his jeans. 

Connors head jerked up. 

“Sabby. You came.” 

Sabrina sat down next to him, running her fingers through his messy, unbrushed hair. He needed to wash it. It seemed obvious that he hadn’t been taking care of himself lately. Today was the morning of the first day of senior year, so why was he so unkempt? She shivered. When Connor stopped performing basic hygiene, it was a sign that things weren’t good. 

“Of course, Con. What’s so important that you had to tell me now?” 

He shook his head, avoiding her gaze as his eyes darted from left to right. He tapped his shoe on the ground, still not looking at Sabrina for a good minute until she cleared her throat. She put her other hand on his arm, but he flinched away. Sabrina persisted. 

“So,” she said. “What is it?”

Connor stiffened suddenly. 

“What I came here t-to tell you. It’s. Well,” he took Sabrina’s hand off of his hair, lightly shoving it away from him. “We can’t do- we can’t do _this_ anymore. We can’t be friends- you, _you_ shouldn’t be friends with me.”

Sabrina inhaled sharply. 

“Why?”

“We just can’t. It’s for your own-“ Connor cut himself off and his hand started to shake. “Actually, it’s because you obviously don’t want,” he paused, “To be friends with me. You think I don’t see you sneaking glances back at me when you’re giggling with your- your fucking dance buddies?” Connor paused again, nodding, as if taking note of his rushing thoughts, running over them in his head. When he continued, Connor’s voice was sure and sharp, unlike the shaky mumble from before. 

“Are you telling them about how much of a freak I am? How much of a fucking burden? _‘Oh, poor poor Connor, with all of his complicated issues. He’s so crazy. Did you know how much he’s cried on my shoulder? Fucking pathetic.’_ I know exactly who you are, Sabrina. And I’m not the freak, you’re the fucking freak!” 

He stood up, feet pushing at the ground violently, searching for a quick getaway. As he walked away from the old oak tree, Sabrina looked at his quickly disappearing figure almost in a daze, which she quickly shook out of. She ran after him and grabbed his arm, pulling Connor towards her and forcing him to look her in the eyes. 

“Connor. You and I both know full well that I ‘glance at you’ during lunch to check up on how you’re doing. And that what I was telling my friends about was your fucking amazing form when you do leaps. But most importantly, what we both know is that you,” Sabrina took a pause as she grabbed Connors shoulders, steadying his shaking form. “Are only doing this because you’re trying to push me away. Is it some sort of self esteem issue thing where you think you don’t deserve me or something again? Whatever it is, you don’t mean what you're saying, Con, I know you. Stop pushing me away. Talk to me. Let me try. Let me _help you_.” 

Connor held the expression of a deer in the headlights. “I’m not some kind of psychology project, Sabrina. Fuck,” he barked out a empty-sounding laugh and tugged away from her completely, eyes changing from surprised to enraged and cold. “Fuck you, Sabrina! Asshole!” Connor sprinted away from Sabrina’s shivering figure and this time, she didn’t try to stop him. 

***

At school, Sabrina went through her day with a cloud over her head. Halfheartedly reuniting with her friends, all she could think about was Connor convincing himself that the was conspiring against him with them. On her way to first period, she saw a group of kids gathered around in a circle and heard Connor yelling. 

Sabrina pushed through the crowd just as Connor knocked Evan Hansen to the ground. Evan’s expression was painful to her. It wasn’t hurt, it simply looked resigned. Sabrina’s focus snapped away from Evan’s face as Connor knocked into her shoulder, rushing past her. 

Sabrina followed him out of the crowd, and speed walked towards him when they got to an empty hallway. 

“Connor,” she called. “Connor, please!” 

He whirled around, eyes bloodshot and focused. 

“Leave me the _fuck_ alone, Sabrina,” he swung and punched a locker to his right, startling Sabrina. He continued, stepping towards her. “Stop. Just fucking stop it!”

Connor rushed away from her, rubbing harshly at his fist. Sabrina started walking towards the bathroom, pushing past people, quietly mumbling ‘sorry’ and ‘excuse me’ until she got to her stall, the favorite middle stall, her crying stall. She pressed her head against the door as her entire face clenched up, trying to stop the sudden onslaught of tears and emotion. Sabrina let out an ugly sob. If there was anyone else in the bathroom, Sabrina was glad they didn’t check up on her as she slowly lowered herself onto the undoubtedly dirty floor, trying to muffle her crying by biting into her hand. 

She rocked back and forth, pushing her knees to her chest. Just because she knew Connor didn’t really mean what he was saying didn’t mean it didn’t hurt all the same, after all, it was like confirming her worst fears. All she would ever be was the gossipy girl from sophomore year who built walls around her emotions and cried by herself at home. 

Of course Connor willfully forgot about all the times she’d held him when he was in the same state as her right now, squeezing him tighter as he mumbled about how he wasn’t worth it, whispering loving reassurances while wiping his tears. Why remember that when he could remember the one time, before she knew him, when Sabrina made fun of his ginger hair roots because her clique of ‘friends’ pressured her to say something bitchy to maintain her reputation.

Sabrina wasn’t perfect, her and Connor knew that well enough. She pushed her face onto her knees, straining her back, then snapped up and hit her head against the wall of the stall. Connor. For all the times she comforted him, she really wished he was here right now, holding her and braiding her hair and rubbing her arm until she sat up, face red and splotchy, and thanked him for being there for her. But he wasn’t her friend anymore. He wasn’t her friend, so she had no one. She was alone. 

***

The next day Sabrina tried to blend in. _Remain in the background, barely even there, before anyone notices that you’re walking alone, and not heading to anyone’s locker to crack a joke and go get a shake during lunch_ , she thought. Not that they’d care, anyways. 

As she walked through the crowded halls, she noticed an absence of people eerily parting to form a path as Connor walked through, head down, hands clutching his bag. Not that Connor being gone from school was out of the norm, but after yesterday’s events, Sabrina was worried. It seemed clear to her that he was spiraling. Strangely, Zoe Murphy was gone, too. During Sabrina’s second period class, Zoe was marked absent with a ‘family emergency’ excuse, which the substitute teacher accidentally read out loud. Sabrina winced. She felt bad about the ridicule that Zoe endured because of her brother, and knew this would only add to the flames.

After school, Sabrina sat down on her bed after quickly going up to her room, avoiding small talk with her mom. She pulled out her phone, found the contact ‘lab partner & cons sis’ and called Zoe. 

Zoe answered after the fifth ring, while Sabrina was fiddling with the hem of her shirt anxiously. 

“Sabrina, hi. What’s going on?” Zoe’s voice seemed void and tired. 

“I could ask you the same thing, Zo, is everything ok? Why were you and Connor gone today? I heard rumors, but it was just the usual.” 

Sabrina startled as Zoe barked out an emotionless laugh, then choked on air and coughed for ten seconds.

“This time the rumors are true, Sabrina.” Zoe paused, letting out an exhausted sigh. Sabrina clutched the phone tighter as Zoe continued. “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but Connor, _he’s dead_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! kudos make me smile and comments make my day!  
> <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> if you read to this point, wow! thank you! 
> 
> updates won't be regular, sorry, but i promise it won't be too long between updates either! 
> 
> here are evans new uggs: 
> 
> https://poshmark.com/listing/White-sequin-UGGs-5a2ebe10ea3f361a11044ffe?utm_source=gdm&l_con=PREOWNED%2FUSED&gdm_bottom=false&campaign_id=1076453905&utm_campaign=1076453905&enable_guest_buy_flow=true&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-pan4Ljd2wIV2bbACh1zuw_kEAQYBCABEgLR3PD_BwE


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